(You might want to shield your mouth too while you’re at it).

You’re at Lambert’s: The Official Home of Throwed Rolls [sic] and the Unofficial Sponsor of the Pannus. That’s right, seeing a flock of morbidly obese consumers waddling by comes as standard as the mugs containing a refillable 52 ounces(!) of soda.

On our recent trip to Springfield, Missouri, our extended family generously offered to take us to this food circus to honor the memory of Travel Boyfriend’s mom who enjoyed it here. After our hour and 15-minute wait outside in the frigid elements, our cousin whispered, “Why couldn’t your mom’s favorite place have been a take-out pizza joint?”

But soon enough we were shown to our wooden pens for fattening. When first enlightened about this place, I have to admit I was excited. They serve traditional Southern Food and toss rolls as you while you eat. What’s not to love? But not long into it, as roaming waiters spooned flavorless fried okra onto paper towels used as makeshift appetizer plates, and I saw the mass engorgement happening all around me, this Travel Betty just became incredibly, horribly depressed.

The sheer amount of food foisted upon you is ridiculous. The meals themselves are served in skillets. Not ironic skillet-inspired plates, but actual filled-to-the-brim, industrial-sized cooking skillets.

Our poor waitress must have been new because her wrist was literally shaking as she served us our oversized sodas. When she returned with the food tray, her body bent back severely into a letter “C,” she crashed the whole deal down on the table squishing a handful of our recently throwed rolls.

Tip: A human shouldn’t consume what another human can’t carry!

As we ate, the staff was busy serving even more food (free sides of the aforementioned okra, fried potatoes, black-eyed peas, white beans and others in addition to the sides that already come in your skillet), with one woman following behind the roll thrower trilling, “Sor-ghuuuum Mol-asssssses” with a ladle and a smile. Then, after we’d over-eaten to the point of bursting, our waitress came back to ask innocently, “Who’s up for seconds, y’all?”

Why does this place exist, you might ask? Well, my theory is because Lambert’s has a good gimmick and is strategically located along the road to Branson. So every day busloads of people stop here, apparently under the misconception that Branson itself is a food-free town. Then sated, they leave happy to subject themselves to the Ozarkian delights of entertainers who inspire remarks such as, “Huh, I thought he died.” (Andy Williams, anyone?) Or perhaps you’d be surprised to know Yakov Smirnoff has yet to be deported. Not only is that last statement true, but the guy is now rich beyond any of our wildest dreams.

Life = Not fair sometimes.

When it was all said and done and I was writing out my check (Lambert’s doesn’t take credit cards for some quaint and downhome-y reason), I found myself getting sick at the thought of how much food must be wasted each day (on top of the sickening thought of how much is actually consumed).

“I hope to GOD they compost,” I said to Travel Boyfriend.

“You’re adorable,” he replied.

Travel Betty Basics

Lambert’s
3 Locations:
Ozark, MO
Sikeston, MO
Foley, AL

Every day they pump out bags and bags of your favorite post-kung-pao-chicken treat. Some are even flavored with chocolate. While others harbor naughty fortunes so you can enjoy them even more…in bed!

Can’t make it to San Francisco’s Chinatown? Then watch this quick clip and travel on your own 30 Second Vacation.

Grab some beads and get ready for your debut performance on Girls Gone Wild. Bourbon Street is where you make your parents proud and your ex-girl and boyfriends jealous.

We’d actually done this last time we’d come to New Orleans too, staying in the world’s most perfect apartment right behind Lafitte’s Blacksmith Shop. It was full of charm with a piano and books galore as well as a wrought iron balcony overlooking the quieter section of Bourbon Street. Unfortunately, that apartment is now being rented long term. But, it gave us an opportunity to see two new places that both were dripping with their own special charms.

The first apartment:

Quite modern with hardwood floors and exposed brick throughout. The bathroom has a luxurious shower with slate tile and there is a small balcony overlooking an inner courtyard typical of New Orleans. I cringed, however, when Travel Boyfriend told me it was described to him as renovated Slave Quarters. On the wall in the bedroom you can even see some marks left by the old inhabitants back in the 1800s. This information did, however, allow me to take a moment to reflect and pay reverence to those who occupied the apartment under far less desirable circumstances.

If you stay here sometime in the near future, know that the owners are still doing a bit of restoration due to Katrina. It’s not going to put you out too much, but there was one small inconvenience for me when a painter showed up right after I’d gotten out of the shower. Luckily, she was a she and had no problem coming back later. Also, the wireless was MIA, which annoyed me since I was hoping to send you all reports throughout the week. In the end though, it made me happy to be staying here because I felt like I was doing my small part to help the owners rebuild.

The apartment is listed as Studio Unit 729 on the New Orleans Reservations website and is perfectly situated for those who want a little peace and quiet to accompany their New Orleans adventure. Everything is still comfortably walkable, but you’re far enough away from the Bourbon Street mayhem that you won’t be stepping in puke puddles to get to your door (Unless you make your own).The second apartment:

This, I would say, is the quintessential New Orleans apartment if you happen to be Oscar Wilde-ish in spirit. Listed as One Bedroom unit 171 B, it looked and felt like it had soaked up many a Big Easy evening and was happy to oblige you with stories. In fact, there was even a table generously filled with liquor bottles to help you get things started. And had we not been vomitously hung over at check-in, we would have gotten started immediately.

The owners describe this apartment as ‘tastefully decorated’ and I’m sure that’s what the decorator thinks. I say it’s ‘eclectically decorated.’ And when you’re staring at the ram’s horn candlestick holder across from the 8 volume set of Irving’s Works, you’re probably going to agree with me. Now don’t get me wrong, I am in no way mocking the decor. In fact, I love it. I’m just saying ‘tasteful’ is a subjective word.

Of the three places we stayed, this was far and away my favorite (I won’t bother to critique the Sheraton. If you’ve ever been in a nondescript business hotel before, you get the gist). It was my favorite not only for its quirky personality, but also because of the 2nd story balcony that you gain access to by hoisting up a large window in the kitchen. We sat out there for hours and just watched the comings and goings of our neighbors (who were locals, not tourists). Quite pleasant.

The shower, on the other hand, was a bit of a hassle. It had that one singular errant stream to hit you straight in the eye no matter where you stand. But then when you flop onto the uneven, cooshy, springy bed and fall straight to sleep, you forgive it.

Again, this location is close enough to every other place in the French Quarter to keep you from getting twitchy, but it’s far enough from the pumpin’ thumpin’ sounds spilling from Razzoo’s to get a few winks in.

So, if you’re looking for someplace a little special the next time you visit New Orleans, don’t bother searching through the seen-it/stayed-there stockpiles offered by the usual suspects like Expedia. Go through New Orleans Reservations and search for a place with a full kitchen so you can warm up the ample leftovers you receive from pretty much any restaurant you visit. Search for a place that is the opposite of ghastly chain hotels. Search for a place that gives you a small sense of what it’s really like to be a local.

Who knows, you might end up converting one of these two lovely places into a long-term rental for yourself. If so, mind if I stop by for a visit?

Linus and I met over a year ago during a clandestine job interview at Public Interest, a totally progressive and effective nonprofit advertising agency that I adore. In a mad rush, I had to fly down to LA to strut myself in the morning only to make it back to my full-time job in SF early enough that it seemed feasible I was only at a “doctor’s appointment.” Then 2 days later I turned around and flew off to Cape Town, South Africa (Not to brag, I mention this point only to demonstrate how delightfully hectic life was at the time.)

By looking at my resume, you’ll see that I didn’t end up with the job. But now, a year and a half later, I did get this T-shirt! And actually, that’s a more desirable outcome since a) I would have had to move to Santa Monica and b) this T-shirt is sweet.

lau zoo is launching their Spring 2008 collection in about 4 months time. But you can whet your appetite with this year’s designs by stopping by their site today.

Travel Betty Tip

Make a fashion statement while simultaneously making a political statement. Wear your lau zoo shirt to the next Beach Impeach event on October 7 at 11am in Berkeley. Then we can be twins!

Way back last week when we thought we were getting married in good old Gold Country and had months and months to plan, I thoroughly dreaded all the phone-call making that seems to be involved in planning a wedding. So now that we’ve injected the planning process with whatever disease afflicted Ralph Macchio in the Three Wishes of Billy Greer, I am frozen with fear by the sight of my own telephone.

The call I was dreading the most was to the wedding dress alterer. I dreaded it because my dress was a photo shoot castoff and although I am eternally grateful to my friend for giving it to me, I blanche at the thought of a seamstress judging me a cheapo. Also, the dress is technically too small, so I fear the words, “all-prune diet.” But really the biggest reason is because I just want to make sure I look kind of pretty on my wedding day and if the dress doesn’t work, that’s it. My image is forever cast in stone and on acid-free photo paper as the world’s first ugly bride.

Luckily, one of the first things I do when faced with a need I don’t know how to fill, is to give a shout-out to all my Betties. And luckily, almost always, my Betties come through. Yelp and Google and The Knot and all those places online are great, but sometimes you just need an honest-to-goodness personal referral from someone you trust. And that’s exactly how I found Lucy’s Alteration & Dressmaking.

One semi-awkward phone call later and I had my appointment. The next day I drove down to San Bruno and found a tiny dress shop next to a grubby a liquor store complete with a mustached ne’re-do-well sitting out front in his tan 1970s Buick. I popped my trunk and gathered up my bag of pure white wedded bliss and gave him a smile as I walked towards the shop thinking, “Yup, that’s right, I’m a motherfucking bride, wino!” It was the first time I really felt like I was starring in the role. Before then, it had just seemed like play-acting. But here I was taking the first step down the aisle. I’m glad he and I could share the moment.

Once inside, Lucy was great. She was confident we could make the dress fit well. She complimented my free-dress shrewdness. And she made me feel like I would be a pretty bride after all. And she did it all for a very reasonable price. With alterations, a dry cleaning to remove photo shoot grass stains, and the pressing, my grand total was a scant $345. One dress shop I’d inquired of in San Francisco had wanted $250 for the dry cleaning alone, so I left feeling like I’d won the dress-altering lottery. And you probably will too.

If you make a visit to Lucy’s for your own wedding dress needs, know that she only takes upfront cash or check. And if you’re looking for someone to make you a dress from scratch, she’s got tons of photos in her shop to convince you she can do anything you can dream up. All you have to do is call.

Travel Bride Basics

Lucy’s Alterations and Dressmaking
187 El Camino Real
San Bruno, CA 94066
(650)589-0847

Unfortunately, this altruistic goal proved to be easier said than done, and although $26,000 was raised, Backpack Nation was put to bed after a three-year run. But that wasn’t the end of Brad Newsham and his desire to change the world.

Cut to Saturday October 15, 2007. It’s me, my friend LL, and about 800+ people lying down on a pricker-filled Chrissy Field allowing helicopters to hover above our heads and shoot at us. Well, okay, I’m being overly melodramatic since they were shooting with video cameras, not bullets. Why? For Beach Impeach, of course. Brad’s latest effort is to take on the treasonous Bush Administration and get their asses thrown out of office. Again, I’m game!

You can watch the video below to see how it turned out. I tell you, I love living in a city where people like Brad (just average citizens who are fed up!) not only feel inspired to come up with ideas like this, but actually take action to make them happen. Congrats Brad! Thanks for allowing us to be a part of your vision.

If you’re interested in getting down and dirty with Brad and a surprise special guest for the next event, Beach Impeach 4 is scheduled for October 7 at 11am in Berkeley.

If you’re interested in keeping Bush & Co. in the White House, but still want to make the world a better place (something akin to Jumbo Shrimp), check out Brad’s inspiring book:

Take Me with You

Other Betties blogging about Brad and Beach Impeach:

The Rag Blog: Kick out Nancy Pelosi too
The MPJC Video Project
Vagabonding: Brad Newsham on why you should be “in the moment” when you travel

Obviously there are tons of great locations in Grass Valley, Nevada City, Auburn and the rest of California Gold Country to host a gorgeous wedding. I just didn’t have the time, or frankly the desire, to spend tons of time visiting them all. The three we chose to visit matched our specific criteria and had availability for the dates we were thinking of holding our ceremony. But along the way, there were a few more I thought were quirky and cool:

Miner’s Foundry Cultural Center- This one happened to be booked for all of May 2008, so we didn’t even bother to stop in. But, on their website it looked really interesting and I felt it would make for a very memorable wedding.

Northern Queen Inn- This one has some sort of a connection to a railroad (and you can ride the train!), which I love and the grounds looked picturesque for photographs, but overall I was worried it looked too much like a theme hotel and not a sophisticated locale. Could be wrong though. We never saw it in person.

Stonehouse Restaurant- I really loved the building’s old stonework with this location. And it looks like maybe they technically HAVE had at least one wedding here. But, I was worried that it seem more like we were just getting married in a restaurant and I just want the day to have a little more impact and thoughtfulness. Would be great for a rehearsal dinner though.

If anyone has visited, or better yet, held their wedding at one of these locations, let us know in the comments section.

Gold Country Wedding Resources

Websites and information about weddings in Gold Country are a little scarce and scattered, but these should help get you started

Nevada County Wedding Guide
Nevada City Chamber of Commerce- Weddings
Wedding Event Guide- Nevada City & Grass Valley

Other Betties blogging about getting hitched:

Flaming Tulle- Planning the perfect wedding—without going down in flames.
Stupid Wedding Crap- Exploring the underbelly of the wedding industry.
True Bride Confessions- It’s time to lift the veil.
Indie Bride- A site for the independent-minded bride.
DIY Bride- Your wedding. Your way.
Eco-Chic Weddings- Simple sustainable style.