Grab some beads and get ready for your debut performance on Girls Gone Wild. Bourbon Street is where you make your parents proud and your ex-girl and boyfriends jealous.

We’d actually done this last time we’d come to New Orleans too, staying in the world’s most perfect apartment right behind Lafitte’s Blacksmith Shop. It was full of charm with a piano and books galore as well as a wrought iron balcony overlooking the quieter section of Bourbon Street. Unfortunately, that apartment is now being rented long term. But, it gave us an opportunity to see two new places that both were dripping with their own special charms.

The first apartment:

Quite modern with hardwood floors and exposed brick throughout. The bathroom has a luxurious shower with slate tile and there is a small balcony overlooking an inner courtyard typical of New Orleans. I cringed, however, when Travel Boyfriend told me it was described to him as renovated Slave Quarters. On the wall in the bedroom you can even see some marks left by the old inhabitants back in the 1800s. This information did, however, allow me to take a moment to reflect and pay reverence to those who occupied the apartment under far less desirable circumstances.

If you stay here sometime in the near future, know that the owners are still doing a bit of restoration due to Katrina. It’s not going to put you out too much, but there was one small inconvenience for me when a painter showed up right after I’d gotten out of the shower. Luckily, she was a she and had no problem coming back later. Also, the wireless was MIA, which annoyed me since I was hoping to send you all reports throughout the week. In the end though, it made me happy to be staying here because I felt like I was doing my small part to help the owners rebuild.

The apartment is listed as Studio Unit 729 on the New Orleans Reservations website and is perfectly situated for those who want a little peace and quiet to accompany their New Orleans adventure. Everything is still comfortably walkable, but you’re far enough away from the Bourbon Street mayhem that you won’t be stepping in puke puddles to get to your door (Unless you make your own).The second apartment:

This, I would say, is the quintessential New Orleans apartment if you happen to be Oscar Wilde-ish in spirit. Listed as One Bedroom unit 171 B, it looked and felt like it had soaked up many a Big Easy evening and was happy to oblige you with stories. In fact, there was even a table generously filled with liquor bottles to help you get things started. And had we not been vomitously hung over at check-in, we would have gotten started immediately.

The owners describe this apartment as ‘tastefully decorated’ and I’m sure that’s what the decorator thinks. I say it’s ‘eclectically decorated.’ And when you’re staring at the ram’s horn candlestick holder across from the 8 volume set of Irving’s Works, you’re probably going to agree with me. Now don’t get me wrong, I am in no way mocking the decor. In fact, I love it. I’m just saying ‘tasteful’ is a subjective word.

Of the three places we stayed, this was far and away my favorite (I won’t bother to critique the Sheraton. If you’ve ever been in a nondescript business hotel before, you get the gist). It was my favorite not only for its quirky personality, but also because of the 2nd story balcony that you gain access to by hoisting up a large window in the kitchen. We sat out there for hours and just watched the comings and goings of our neighbors (who were locals, not tourists). Quite pleasant.

The shower, on the other hand, was a bit of a hassle. It had that one singular errant stream to hit you straight in the eye no matter where you stand. But then when you flop onto the uneven, cooshy, springy bed and fall straight to sleep, you forgive it.

Again, this location is close enough to every other place in the French Quarter to keep you from getting twitchy, but it’s far enough from the pumpin’ thumpin’ sounds spilling from Razzoo’s to get a few winks in.

So, if you’re looking for someplace a little special the next time you visit New Orleans, don’t bother searching through the seen-it/stayed-there stockpiles offered by the usual suspects like Expedia. Go through New Orleans Reservations and search for a place with a full kitchen so you can warm up the ample leftovers you receive from pretty much any restaurant you visit. Search for a place that is the opposite of ghastly chain hotels. Search for a place that gives you a small sense of what it’s really like to be a local.

Who knows, you might end up converting one of these two lovely places into a long-term rental for yourself. If so, mind if I stop by for a visit?

Pravda- Lower Decataur Street- A Russian-themed bar with an atmosphere to make you feel nostalgic for the cold war and Ayn Rand. There’s kitschy revolutionary touches everywhere. Like the commie murals and the cute Bettie-Page-hairdooed girl serving up stiff drinks who is also featured in a couple of the faux-old-timey photos decorating the bar (think Czar Nicholas and family pre-execution). I even saw a guy with a Lenin beard. Might have been trying a wee bit too hard, but still a great place to prost!

Bourbon Cowboy- 135 Bourbon Street- Home of the mechanical bull (as previously discussed). Need I say more?

Razzoo- 511 Bourbon Street- Yes, it’s in the heart of Bourbon Street. Yes, it sometimes has really cheesy cover bands. Yes, until I started researching for this post I thought it was called Pazzoo. But both times I’ve been to New Orleans, this is where to get your DANCE on (3-for-1 drink specials don’t hurt)! Waitresses feed you shots of liquor in such a provocative way that you’re sure to order more than one. Also home to the elusive (yet impressive to drunk people) TRIPLE high-five!

Another Betty Blogging About New Orleans Bars:

Blogging New Orleans

Kulture Vulture Kids- 539 Dumaine St- Cute little clothes for badass babies. Like a “Boys Don’t Cry” Cure onesie. Or an “I’m already smarter than him” shirt with Bush’s face on it. If you just recently had a baby or know someone who has, and you want that baby to be the dopest in the day care, this is your store. And don’t worry if you’ve outgrown soiling your diapers. Turns out they’ve got a big kids shop too!

House of Lounge- 2044 Magazine St.- An elegant, low-key lingerie store. No Fredrick’s of Hollywood tackiness, or Victoria’s Secret faux couth. Just pretty little skimpies worthy of their place of honor covering your private parts. I bought something called Nippies! Fun.

Winky’s- 2038 Magazine St.- This is one of those cute, ironic hybrid shops where everything inside is full of sass. A mixture of clothing, toys, shoes, housewares and crap you don’t need, but is cool. I didn’t end up buying anything, but if I lived here, I’d definitely stop in and buy stuff in the future.

Voodoo Authentica- 612 Dumaine- Don’t feel shy walking inside. This cute shop stocks all your voodoo needs: dolls, gris-gris, potions, beauty products and assorted gifts. At the time I visited, they weren’t doing readings, but the delightful woman working there helped point me in the direction of master Voodoo Priest, John T.

Rodrigue Studio- 721 Royal St.- Yes, it’s Blue Dog. If you don’t like Blue Dog, you won’t like this gallery. I was indifferent to him until I went inside and saw all the cool post-Katrina Blue Dog paintings. Very cool.

Steadfast Brand- 14 S. Magnolia Ave., Ocala, FL 34474- Hey, wait a minute, this seems like a long way from New Orleans. Well, you’re right, it is. We met the owners of this rad-assed clothing store during 2 of our 3 nights at Lafitte’s. I took a look at their site and loved all the tat-culture inspired clothing for men and women. Their products are sold in dozens of stores nationwide (and the UK, crazy) Maybe even in a store near you. Check it.

Laffite’s Blacksmith Shop- on the corner of Bourbon Street and St. Phillip Street- Hands down my favorite bar of all time in New Orleans. It’s the oldest structure still standing to ever have been used as a bar. And it shows. In a good way. During our three visits during our one week there, I became a buzzed and blurry mess while enjoying the pianistical stylings of Mike Hood, a talented, amicable young gent on the piano in the back. I have to say though, even after spending 3 nights at his piano, I’m pretty sure the guy never once recognized us. Although it could have been all those chilled vodkas we were buying him.

Ye Olde Original Dungeon- 738 Toulouse- Only open after 10:30, which shouldn’t be a problem if you’re pulling an all-nighter. This dark lair is decorated to look like…er, a dungeon. Definitely fun in that Anne Rice kind of way. Brad and Angelina were rumored to have stopped in two weeks prior to our visit. I’m sure they were disappointed to have missed us. Be careful, the bathrooms are hidden behind false bookcases and you’re liable to walk in on unsuspecting urinators.

Napoleon’s House Bar & Café- 500 Chartres Street- This place came highly recommended by a friend who grew up in the area. I think we hit it on a slow night, but I could see the potential. The food was pretty decent, although our waiter seemed drunk (could have just been weird though—fine line.) and we saw a mouse scurrying around right before we left. This place is noted for their Pimm’s Cup (yes, that’s cucumber you see). You must try one if you’re in New Orleans.

Going to New Orleans soon? Get in the mood with a good read:

The Vampire Chronicles Collection, Volume 1

There is a guy walking down the street perpendicular to ours. I don’t hear him say anything and I don’t see him do anything, but suddenly a car screeches to a stop right next to him. It’s a cop car. The cop jumps out and approaches the man in a pretty aggressive way. He’s a lot bigger than the pedestrian and is posturing like he wants to start something. At this point, I realize this isn’t going to go well for the non-cop.

Next thing I know, the police officer smacks the guy in the back of the head. The guy goes flying forward, but remains on his feet. Then the cop pushes him and throws him to the ground. Not being able to hear exactly what is going on (and having consumed a fair amount of alcohol), I can’t tell if this is justified. It seems damn brutal, especially since the guy isn’t fighting back. In fact, all I can hear the pedestrian say once he’s down is, “I’m going to call my lawyer,” and “Can you at least give me one of my smokes?”

(He’s obviously drunker than I am)

I keep playing what I just saw through my head trying to access the sober part of my brain for clarification that this is fucked up. Deciding better safe than sorry, I pull out my video camera. If the cop has just chased down an actual scofflaw and is in the right, my video won’t matter. If he’s in the wrong, then he deserves to have his actions captured on film. It seems like the right thing to do.

I stand there for a good 30 seconds or so shooting as the cop roughs up the guy a bit more and finally cuffs him. Then about 7 or 8 backup cars scream onto the scene all at once. Travel Boyfriend says we should get out of there so I turn off the camera and we rush back to the apartment where I get a chance to review my footage…

Moral of the story?

When intoxicated, pay special attention to which button is ‘Record’ and which button is ‘Stop.’

More to the story?

I just read this interesting article today on Salon.com, Deadly Lockdown In New Orleans. Now I’m even more frustrated that I didn’t capture the incident.

Two words: Mechanical Bull!

Hmm, bull riding in a skirt? That’s classy, Travel Betty.

Didn’t quite stick the landing.

(Luckily for my readers, Hustler’s Barely Legal Club didn’t allow photography.)

Travel Betty Basics

Bourbon Cowboy
135 Bourbon St.
New Orleans, LA

See how the pros do it:

8 Second Hereos: Ultimate Showdown

Drag a bar stool up to the piano and soak in the atmosphere of the oldest building in the French Quarter. It’s been standing since around 1772. And with Mike Hood on the keys you’re be sure to remain entertained until well past when you fall off said stool.

Travel Betty Basics

Lafitte’s Blacksmith Shop
941 Bourbon Street
New Orleans, LA

And then you go get your fortune told by an honest to goodness druid and voodoo priest named John T. Martin (he goes by John T.) at the Voodoo Museum.

Now, if you’re asking yourself if I believe in tarot cards and palm readings and supernatural mumbo-jumbo, the short answer is yes. And so is the long answer.

Here’s what John T. told me (and then check back in about four years to see if he was right!):

• He said that I was with my soul mate and the love of my life (thank god, since we’re getting married and he’ll be the beneficiary of my 401k someday!).
• That in addition to advertising, I’d be doing more “real” writing (his words not mine!) in the future.
• That I’m supposed to have a son in a couple of years followed by a daughter (that’s utterly frightening to me as well as people who know me). I asked if he meant I was going to personally have them or if they couldn’t just be someone else’s kids that I really like. He said no. He saw I was being motherly and a good mother and that I was raising them. (Damn. Although, I forgot to ask if maybe they were animals.)
• That I’m going to find God. I asked, “like the Christian God?” and stared at me with the mildest look of exasperation and replied that there was only one God. He also said that water would play a big part in my spiritual journey. And that in a few years’ time when I’m struggling with a big decision in my life that I should go to the water and throw stones in, asking God for guidance and that I will get it.
• That at the end of this year I will be offered something that isn’t as good of a deal as it first appears.
• That in 3 years and 4 months (or 4 years and 3 months. I can’t remember. It was too hot.) that I will also have to make a big decision.
• Also that within the next 3 or 4 years I will lose someone close to me.

Then he proceeded to talk about politics and how the world as we know it will be ending soon. He said that our next President would be our last. And that having looked into the eyes of Barack Obama, he saw an evil he’s never known before. He claims Obama has a nefarious agenda that won’t become clear until (and if) he is elected President. Luckily I usually vote for the Green Party candidate.

He also said that our country’s downfall would be due to our obsession with technology and seemed repulsed by the idea that people would ever try to meet a love interest on the Internet. Hee hee I didn’t have the heart to tell him that Travel Boyfriend and I met on Matchmaker.com.

He showed me a picture of his albino python, which I exclaimed to be “cute” (although I didn’t want to see in person cuz I’m a’scared!) and then asked me for a hug, saying, “I’m a hugger.” Then he told me I made his day brighter and sent me on my way.

A highly enjoyable and insightful way to spend a birthday afternoon, n’est pas?

If you’re not going to be anywhere near the Voodoo Museum soon, do it yourself:

The New Orleans Voodoo Tarot (Destiny Books)

Travel Betty Basics

New Orleans Voodoo Museum
724 Dumaine Street
New Orleans, LA
$30 for tarot reading (includes entrance to museum)

Attiki Bar & Grill
For when you’re tired of Gumbo (gasp!)
They also have hookahs
230 Decatur Street
New Orleans, LA

Other Betties Blogging About John T.

Phantasmaphile
Real Human Moments
ABC News: Voodoo’s Holiest Day Celebrated In New Orleans