(You might want to shield your mouth too while you’re at it).

You’re at Lambert’s: The Official Home of Throwed Rolls [sic] and the Unofficial Sponsor of the Pannus. That’s right, seeing a flock of morbidly obese consumers waddling by comes as standard as the mugs containing a refillable 52 ounces(!) of soda.

On our recent trip to Springfield, Missouri, our extended family generously offered to take us to this food circus to honor the memory of Travel Boyfriend’s mom who enjoyed it here. After our hour and 15-minute wait outside in the frigid elements, our cousin whispered, “Why couldn’t your mom’s favorite place have been a take-out pizza joint?”

But soon enough we were shown to our wooden pens for fattening. When first enlightened about this place, I have to admit I was excited. They serve traditional Southern Food and toss rolls as you while you eat. What’s not to love? But not long into it, as roaming waiters spooned flavorless fried okra onto paper towels used as makeshift appetizer plates, and I saw the mass engorgement happening all around me, this Travel Betty just became incredibly, horribly depressed.

The sheer amount of food foisted upon you is ridiculous. The meals themselves are served in skillets. Not ironic skillet-inspired plates, but actual filled-to-the-brim, industrial-sized cooking skillets.

Our poor waitress must have been new because her wrist was literally shaking as she served us our oversized sodas. When she returned with the food tray, her body bent back severely into a letter “C,” she crashed the whole deal down on the table squishing a handful of our recently throwed rolls.

Tip: A human shouldn’t consume what another human can’t carry!

As we ate, the staff was busy serving even more food (free sides of the aforementioned okra, fried potatoes, black-eyed peas, white beans and others in addition to the sides that already come in your skillet), with one woman following behind the roll thrower trilling, “Sor-ghuuuum Mol-asssssses” with a ladle and a smile. Then, after we’d over-eaten to the point of bursting, our waitress came back to ask innocently, “Who’s up for seconds, y’all?”

Why does this place exist, you might ask? Well, my theory is because Lambert’s has a good gimmick and is strategically located along the road to Branson. So every day busloads of people stop here, apparently under the misconception that Branson itself is a food-free town. Then sated, they leave happy to subject themselves to the Ozarkian delights of entertainers who inspire remarks such as, “Huh, I thought he died.” (Andy Williams, anyone?) Or perhaps you’d be surprised to know Yakov Smirnoff has yet to be deported. Not only is that last statement true, but the guy is now rich beyond any of our wildest dreams.

Life = Not fair sometimes.

When it was all said and done and I was writing out my check (Lambert’s doesn’t take credit cards for some quaint and downhome-y reason), I found myself getting sick at the thought of how much food must be wasted each day (on top of the sickening thought of how much is actually consumed).

“I hope to GOD they compost,” I said to Travel Boyfriend.

“You’re adorable,” he replied.

Travel Betty Basics

Lambert’s
3 Locations:
Ozark, MO
Sikeston, MO
Foley, AL

Another week, another gazing over at Travel Boyfriend through blurry tears to see a similar reflection staring back. Yes, yes, I know, get over Anthony Bourdain, Travel Betty.

Well, it’s hard.

He started his television career off so irascibly, but has mellowed through the past three seasons like a fine cheese. There’s depth to him. Yes, he’s still cantankerous and that’s one reason to love him, but he’s also sentimental in a very manly and appropriate way.

For those of you who just watched the past two weeks’ episodes with him in Japan and Spain respectively, you know what I’m talking about. And for those of you who didn’t, please set your TiVos now. There will certainly be repeated airings.

Next week he explores Egypt. Having spent a good deal of time there last year, I’m curious what gastronomic successes he finds. Besides the koshary, my only memory of Egyptian food involves buffet pap and bread shaped like crocodiles. Not that I didn’t find the latter amusing. It’s just that my gag reflex still engages when I think back to the grit-marinated kebab meal we had on the outskirts of the Khan el-Khalili market.

But yes, okay, I hear you. You get the point. Tony’s show is phenomenal. It’s transcendent. It’s to be seen. And you are going to watch it so I don’t have to keep beating a dead horse into a tender succulent meal prepared by a village-dwelling culinary master like the ones Tony invariably meets weekly in his travels.

Don’t worry, next week is the Season Finale, so you won’t have to hear from me on the subject for a few more months. Until then, tune in. And maybe read Tony’s blog while you’re at it.

But why?

Well, Anthony isn’t your typical perky bland travel host pointing out obvious choices and trying to make foreign travel look sanitized for your protection.

He gets grouchy (Jamaican spelunking episode). He takes risks (Icelandic picnic, anyone?). And he will literally put any ol’ shit in his mouth (Namibian oh-so-slightly-fire-roasted pig sphincter).

That last one Travel Boyfriend and I STILL reference. Our most recent exchange during an exceptionally delicious tapas dinner in Spain three weeks ago:

Travel Betty: Mmmmm, life is good. To think there are people right now eating wild boar anus.

Travel Boyfriend: Or Denny’s.

But now it’s a whole new season! Bourdain is off to Travel Betty favorites like Egypt (exotic locale of my and TB’s engagement!), Spain, and slow-paced, soul-lifting Laos.

He’ll also be traveling to some Travel Betty dream-abouts like Tokyo and Uruguay (the latter hopefully included in our Buenos Aires honeymoon this fall).

Columbia and Saudi Arabia represent too. 

My only beef? Why still no San Francisco, Tony? C’mon, let me take you to Burma Superstar!

So, if you’re like me and need a quick hit of snark before the long holiday weekend, take a look at this sneak preview clip of the new season. Hopefully it’ll hold you over until Monday.

Yes, I am the wacko who flew all the way around the world to eat pork at Ibu Oka in Ubud, Bali, Indonesia. Like I said before, it wasn’t my only reason, but it was high up there. I’m a sucker for succulence.  

So, after many months leaving you hanging, I’m sure you’re wondering, was it worth it?

Well, yes and no.

You know how sometimes you spy a stone sexy fox from across the room and quickly create the perfect scenario in your head that he will be an expert lover, a thoughtful listener, a comedian, a high-wage earner, and have a knack for reducing the ever-present tension between you and your mother? All this before you’ve even been able to blurt out a hello? That was the pork.

Then you know how once you do muster the courage to say hello, he responds with a phlegm-filled throat that makes your eyes tear up and once he finally coughs up the sputum, he stutters something about how Republicans rule and then laments his recent impotency? That wasn’t exactly the pork, but you get the point I’m making.

You see, nothing can really ever live up to the idealized perfections we create in our heads. I knew that going in, but still I hoped. Thanks to Anthony Bourdain’s awesome Indonesia show on No Reservations, I had built up the idea of this babi guling so much so, that barring an instant tongue orgasm upon first bite, I had set myself up for disappointment.

But all was not lost. First, I had the months of anticipation to feel grateful for. Sometimes I think that’s better than experiencing the actual thing you’ve been anticipating. When someone at work is giving you a hard time, you can just think, “pork.” When your car breaks down on the highway and your cell phone battery is dead, “pork.” It’s a much better option than gun violence.

Second, to be fair, the babi guling actually was pretty fucking tasty. They give you a healthy heaping of pork parts as well as rice and veggies, and the best part…spicy sauce and crispy piggy skin! Chomp, chomp, yum! All for the ridiculously low price of $3ish. It wasn’t the best pork I’ve ever eaten (that distinction goes to the meal created by Travel Boyfriend’s best friend up in Seattle during one of his annual pig roast parties). But it was up there in the charts.

Would I fly back for a second helping? No. But would I go out of my way to eat it if I ever found myself again on the Isle of the Gods? You betcha. 

So, if you’re already planning a trip to Bali and are looking for the best babi guling on the island, look no further than Ibu Oka. As long as you don’t perfectionize it beforehand like I did, you won’t be disappointed one bit! And even if you do perfectionize it beforehand like I did, you’re still going to get a mouthful of tastiness.

Travel Betty Basics
Ibu Oka
Located just across from the Ubud Tourist Information Center. Go early because once they sell out for the day, they close.
Ubud, Bali, Indonesia

Download Anthony Bourdain’s No Reservations Season One

Every day they pump out bags and bags of your favorite post-kung-pao-chicken treat. Some are even flavored with chocolate. While others harbor naughty fortunes so you can enjoy them even more…in bed!

Can’t make it to San Francisco’s Chinatown? Then watch this quick clip and travel on your own 30 Second Vacation.

Their child being comforted for her tears in the arms of an Indonesian nanny. The parents gaze off across their table towards the surf.

I imagine the man thinking, “Why can’t somebody else take care of this child?” Even though somebody already is.

“Maman!”

The little girl and her mother speak French amongst themselves. The father uses British-accented English and fusses a lot with his hand phone.

The nanny calls out to the child, who is now crawling across the lounging cushions towards my head.

“Eva! Eva!”

I feel my cushion give and turn towards her without using my eyes to actually look.

Caught!

The girl scurries back.

“Sorry,” the nanny says to me, holding up a French fry speared on a fork.

I smile.

She smiles.

The father glances over to read my reaction. Satisfied, he turns back to the wife.

The child starts to hop like a bunny over the cushions, much to the nanny’s chagrin. And then there are monkey imitations.

I turn back to my book and nurse my $8 Apple Thyme martini as a man glides by above the beach strapped to a parachute with an oversized fan attached to his back. I guess that looks like fun.

The sun slips away. Now what to do.

Travel Betty Basics

Ku De Ta
Jalan Laksmana no. 9
Seminyak, Kuta, Bali, Indonesia

Other Betties Blogging About Ku De Ta

Eric Cheng’s Journal has a nice sunset shot
Josh Spear has a great shot of the reflecting pool and breaks the joint down so you know what you’re getting into
And of course, Nick over at Bali Blog always has something useful to say

On the way over to Bali, my meal was fine, but not notable in any way. And it definitely wasn’t better than some of the really tasty meals I had a few years back on Thai Airways. When all was said and done, I found the food on Singapore Airlines to be the same starch-heavy meals most airlines serve.

To try as best you can to remedy the situation, I’d suggest ordering a special meal even if you don’t have special dietary or religious needs. Because I booked my ticket directly through Singapore Airlines, I was able to request my meal from their website for my return trip. Travel Boyfriend, who booked his frequent flier ticket through Delta (a Singapore Airlines partner), had to call.

Although an atheist, he ordered a Muslim meal on the way out to Bali and was really pleased. He said he was served a variety of curries and even some roti prata-type bread (delicious!). Although agnostic, I’m looking forward to my non-vegetarian Hindu meal, which the Singapore Airlines site claims will be Indian in nature with homemade naan and daal!

The main benefit of ordering a special meal though is really that you’ll get your food served first. Sure, you may have to wait longer than most after you’ve finished with a messy tray in your lap, but for one shining moment you’re apt to feel that you’re one of the most special people on the plane. Someone important enough to be served before all others. And isn’t that really reason enough to convert?

The downsides of an outdoor tropical garden bathroom are few. One being when yours is located next to the also-outdoor spa facility and you are suffering the effects of poorly-cooked-coconut-chicken-induced “Bali Belly.”

Chapter 17: Things You Didn’t Know You Could Do With Pig…

It’s a BACON CHOCOLATE BAR!!!

And to answer your most immediate question: yes, it’s delicious!

Travel Betty Basics

Vosges Haut-Chocolate
Bacon Exotic Candy Bar
Applewood smoked bacon + Alder smoked salt + deep milk chocolate
Shelf Life: 3 months

Other Betties blogging about Bacon Chocolate

The Washingtonian asks Genius or Disgusting?
Trendwatchers at PSFK enter into the debate
And what I think is now my new favorite blog: i luv pork gives his 2 cents