2. The food sucks, typically. Even though I am not enjoying the uncooked beans, the wet, flavorless chicken parts and bones, or the dry bread threatening my gag reflex, I continue eating, attempting to fill an unnamed need.

3. The shame is too great. A first trip for salads. A second for meats. After that I become self-conscious about returning again. Who is watching me? Do they know I’ve come up twice already? The guy manning the carving station looks judgmental. How do I sneak dessert?

4. There is always post-buffet discomfort. Heading back to my cabin stuffed so full as to be sick. My belly sloshes from side to side. My shirt rides up. I wish it would all just shift down into my intestines already to provide a false sense of relief.

5. Long-term repercussions. I have abused myself and my body sets out to keep me from forgetting it. Regardless of the negative reinforcement each time I step into the bathroom, I know my masochistic tendencies will rear their heads again at 5pm and then again tomorrow at 9am, 1pm & 7:30pm. Repeat until disembarkation.

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Let me set the stage. There are 280 boats that are licensed to ply the waters between Aswan and Luxor, which isn’t that far of a trip to begin with.

True there are actual times when you are not right next to another boat or six, but they are few and far between. In fact, when docked, most boats are moored right up next to each other so you must walk through them all to get to yours (yours inevitably being last).

The ship itself is about as romantic as spending three days at your favorite miniature golf course. On the sundecks atop every cruise ship I saw, Astroturf reigns supreme. A mass of deckchairs is lined up to keep the human cattle neatly penned.

And then there is the water hazard. Hazardous because pool temperatures hover at morgue-levels. Even with the sweltering Aswan sun beating down on us 14 hours a day, I felt as though I was preserving my organs for an open casket viewing rather than refreshing myself whenever I took a dip.

(As a side-rant, what is people’s fascination with temperature extremes? If it’s boiling outside, I don’t need to be cryogenically frozen inside. I simply need it to be comfortably cooler upon entrance.)

The other thing that might surprise you is there is very little actual cruising while on a Nile cruise. Because the distance is small and the cruise operator’s desire to separate you from money is great, they drag the trip out by having you beached on either end overnight in Luxor and Aswan.

That means you are docked with the 279 other stagnant ships along the banks of the Nile, where like a cow on its way to a good stun bolting, touts and hawkers await you at the end of the plank ready to offer felluca rides for 5 Egyptian Pounds (a scam in which they later try to get you for 5 pounds per minute!)

And then there are the cabins. After the wonderful service, food, and architectural delights of the M.S. Eugenie during our Lake Nasser cruise, our Nile cruise basement cabin (think Laverne & Shirley’s apartment before they moved to California) with a window the size of a lunchroom tray just wasn’t measuring up.

Our room was right at Nile level so the hollow sound of water lapping against our wall when we were docked a foot from the next ship made me feel like we were being held hostage by the Tidy Bowl Man. To their credit, our travel reps tried to do all they could to get us moved up to a room on one of the better floors with the panoramic windows, but ultimately they failed because the ship was filled with two large tour groups. Let’s just say that when in the social strata you rate below Mexican Herbalife conventioneers, there is bitterness.

The worst part is that originally Travel Boyfriend and I had no intention of being a part of this mass hysteria. We’d meant to sail on an intimate 19th century period-styled Dahabiyya for 7 days. Unfortunately, TB’s fascination with all things temple left us with the good possibility of too little time in Luxor. I didn’t want the blood of his missing a hieroglyph on my hands, especially since he agreed to travel with me to Siwa later in the trip, so at last minute, we nixed the smaller sailing vessel and opted for the Myrtle Beach Goes to Egypt style of cruising. Here is where you can learn from our mistake.

Of course, if you just want the no-muss, no-fuss way to say you’ve cruised the Nile, then be my guest. At the very least, every member of the staff was delightful and attentive. Even aboard a floating Putt-Putt-O-Rama, Egyptians provide impeccable service.

Travel Betty Banter

Have you taken a Nile Cruise? I’d love to hear a different perspective. Share your experience with us in the comments section.

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All-you-can-swallow buffets are no excuse for poor exercise habits!

True, the size of Lake Nasser means you won’t be flanked by lush green foliage as you cruise. Nor will you catch glimpses of farmers and livestock going about their daily business since Lake Nasser exists in a region that is mostly a sparsely populated, arid desert. But the charm of the ship, the attention to detail, the doting staff, the talented chefs, and most excitingly, the relocated ancient monuments occasionally popping up out of the meditative beige landscape will more than make up for this fact.

If you decide on a Lake Nasser cruise, you need to know that the M.S. Eugenie and its sister ship, the M.S. Kasr Ibrm were not only the first ships to embark on this journey in the mid 90s, they are also the best. And considering our entire Egypt trip in-country for 5 weeks with all hotels, guides, drivers, domestic flights and some entrance fees and meals came to a whopping $2600 each, it seems to me that these two ships are also completely affordable. (I don’t know the exact cost of our time aboard the M.S. Eugenie since we paid a flat fee to Egypt 7000, but when I looked back at my notes, an email from the ship directly had the cost at about $200 per person per night for a double room. This leads me to believe it’s a better deal to book reservations through a travel company.)

This part of our trip was the only one where our tour company, Egypt 7000 did not provide us with one of their own guides and it was no problem at all. The ship made sure to break groups up into small enough sizes so that we weren’t 50 people trying to squeeze past the most interesting glyphs at once. Our guide, Abdul spoke eloquently and had a penchant for dramatic storytelling. When he described the temples and carvings, I was there, reliving the moment in ancient times.

Our entire onboard experience just seemed so civilized. From the cool, wet face towels passed out upon arrival back from early morning sightseeing, to adorable sailor uniforms worn by the ship’s gun-totting tourist police, right down to the tinkling dinner bell that rings you to a beautifully appointed, fresh and tantalizing buffet (yes, they DO exist!). Everything on our voyage was impeccable. But don’t get me wrong, this ship is not stuffy. Decorating the buffet tables were also crocodile-shaped breads with toothpicks for teeth. And none of the waiters gave indication that they would mind if you picked one up and chased them around with it. (Or perhaps that is just me projecting!)

If you’re looking for an experience that is a little indulgent (but not ridiculously so) and a little unlike any you’ll experience elsewhere in Egypt, get off the river and head South. The staff aboard the M.S. Eugenie is waiting for you. And they’ve got a well-made Daiquiri in hand.

Travel Betty Banter

Have you sailed aboard the M.S. Eugenie? Let readers live vicariously through you by sharing trip details in the comments section.

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