Shwew! Even this Travel Betty is tired just thinking about it.

Do you hate paying good money for bad food on an airplane? Do you hate having to make repeated purchases of 3 oz. bottles of hair gel because a full-sized bottle results in a $35 checked luggage fee each way? Do you resent your own knees for convincing you to fork over $50 for an extra inch of legroom? I do too.

You know what we can do to Fight the Fees? Stop paying them!

Travel Boyfriend Demos How To Fight the Fees

What? How can that be? Companies have instituted these fees, they are the cost of doing business in these tough times (SFX: melodramatic piano chord) and therefore, we must pay.

“My paying additional fees for things that have already been included in the operational costs of the base fare stimulates the economy.”

“Increased profit at my expense saves jobs.”

“Really I deserve to pay more for a stale tortilla wrap to quiet my stomach on a 6-hour flight. Especially since I failed to factor in that we’d be stuck on the tarmac for 9 hours before takeoff. Stale tortilla wraps are a privilege, not a right, right?”

Ah, yes, the indoctrination has been successful. Perhaps we asked for it. Our wallets bulging seductively, dollar bills (or more likely, overdrawn credit cards) peeking out between the folds of too-tight leather. How could these companies help themselves? Really, these fees, this poor service, it’s all punishment for our own bad behavior. We should have known better. Expecting to pay fair prices for products and services instead of subsidizing poor business decisions like we should be.

Granted, failing to pay these greedy, fear-induced fees may mean a few of the airlines and hotel chains we put up with may fail too. But what’s brilliant is that where there is demand, there are enterprising companies poised to take their places. Gardeners know that pruning results in more robust plant life. Cut the old, wasted foliage to birth the new. It’s the circle of life, but in today’s economic climate (SFX: melodramatic piano chord again), we are afraid to prune. The old foliage, although unproductive, is familiar!

Too big to fail is a phrase that this Travel Betty hopes goes the way of staycation (SFX: toilet flush). It’s not that many of these legacy companies are too big to fail, it’s that they have proven they are too big to innovate. Having worked at and with a fair share of America’s behemoths, I’ve seen this pattern repeated ad nauseum. It’s difficult to gain momentum on even the simplest of innovations because the gravitational pull of the masses demands stasis. That’s how you get those steady, barely perceptible upticks in the quarterly stock returns. And who doesn’t like those?

Companies that are too big to innovate deserve to fail. When you’re business model requires squeezing your customers at every turn with you repeatedly finding yourself a hair’s breath from the licking flames of bankruptcy, you have an untenable business model. That’s when successful, forward-thinking legacy companies and scrappy upstarts should be able to come in and steal your market share. Is that fair? It is if you’re relying solely on your good looks and charm long after both have faded.

Attracting customers vs. trying to relentlessly extract from them means offering more not less. Take Virgin America, Southwest, or Jet Blue for example. These are companies with the ability to inspire fanatic obsession. They are the budget airlines of our day, but they offer premium experiences. The key to their success is setting expectations (“we are a budget airline”) and exceeding them (“mood lighting, anyone?”). What these airlines didn’t do was set the expectation that they are a full-service, full-fare airline and then whine, manipulate, extort and go beg big daddy Congress for bailouts when the business climate changed, but they didn’t (although some did adopt the baggage fee policy and boooo to them!)

Delta, American, United, US Airways, Continental—airlines people have resigned themselves to doing business with against their better judgment. We don’t like ‘em, don’t trust ‘em and don’t want to fly ‘em. But what choice does a Travel Betty have? Due to their legacy, these airlines fly the most routes and have the global partnerships. But if what we’ve seen over the last few years is any indication, maybe we’d be better off with more airlines each flying fewer routes. If the no-bloat airlines were freed from the fight against out of touch legacies and could instead create strategic partnerships of their own to provide seamless point to point travel for passengers, maybe the entire landscape of air travel would have the breathing room to change for the better.

Certainly there are companies that are big, bold and old that are doing it well, like the Four Seasons. These companies are successful, even in dire economic times (SFX: cue piano…oh, you get the point) because they know better than to take their customers, real live people with value beyond our wallets, for granted. They work hard to build a strong brand, protect it fiercely and use it to direct their vision. Employees believe in that vision and are encouraged to develop new ways to build towards it. These companies understand that there are no guarantees in business, no entitlements. Past performance is not an indicator of future performance, as investment statements like to trumpet. Whatever passion, drive and vision you had to begin with must remain whether you have a direct competitor or not. Because even without corporate competition, people always have the choice to disengage completely. Just ask the millions of Americans who are now willing to drive 15 hours in their (imported) cars simply to avoid the rape and pillage at the airport.

True, in some instances, these giants attempt innovation. Consulting firms like the one I work for are more than happy to help in this regard and happen to be extremely good at it. The problem is that once the innovations have been conceived, it can be painfully difficult to adopt them if the culture is resistant. And there’s nothing like a huge lumbering corporate environment to off-gas resistance. It’s like sending a drug addict to the best treatment facility in the country only to deliver him back to the doorstep of his dealer and crack-loving girlfriend. Be sure, the people who work at these companies are incredibly smart, and understand that failing to innovate means almost certain failure to exist. But there has to be an assimilation process, a plan, with buy-in not only from the “treatment facility” and “patient” but also from the community as a whole. And that’s where the size of the monster often scares away even the most brave among us.

So is there no hope for the legacies? Not if they insist on business as usual.

It’s time to shake up the old guard and take an industry-wide innovative approach to travel. Let’s update our air traffic control system for god’s sake. Let’s renovate airports to make passenger-flow not only efficient, but intuitive and pleasurable. There are millions of us trapped for hours at a time looking for something, anything to do and the best they can offer is a sea of shrieking TV monitors and easy-wipe seating? Not good enough.

This time it’s going to require focusing on inner beauty instead of just phoning it in with another logo makeover. And these companies need to stop looking to us to subsidize the efforts with short-term solutions like reserved seating fees. We’ll be happy to pay a fair price when they start offering something of value.

The Move Your Money banking industry campaign has been inspirational in reminding us that, oh yeah, WE’RE in charge. Let’s continue the momentum and show the airline industry (and hotels with those unconscionable resort fees) we’re ready to Fight the Fees.

Who’s with me, Betties?

Over time, they got worse and worse until a couple of years ago when I was taking public transportation in the East Bay and had a full-scale meltdown. I thought I was having a heart attack. I was convinced of it. I felt alone and trapped and terrified. Somehow I was able to make it to my freelance gig where I asked a woman I hardly knew to take me to the hospital. Once there, I was miraculously healed. Every symptom disappeared the second I told the admitting nurse that I thought I was having a panic attack.

After that, I would have at least one major episode annually, more often than not in November. Another doozy was when Travel Boyfriend and I went to Southeast Asia. It was our first night and we were in Phnom Penh, Cambodia. Until then I’d only really traveled to Western countries and to say that Cambodia is quite different than your Germanys and Spains is the world’s biggest understatement. Triggered by water retention around my ankles from the long flight and my discomfort at realizing I was as far from home as I’d ever been, this panic attack had me curled up naked on the bathroom floor with Travel Boyfriend feeding me Xanax and talking me down. After that I resolved to cure myself. I never wanted to feel that way again.

At first I tried talk therapy as well as some tapes I bought from that anxiety infomercial lady, Lucinda Bassett. The talk therapy helped with some other issues, but not the attacks. And I was too lazy to get very far with the tapes. Eventually I just decided to live with the periodic attacks and fear the month of November.

But a little over a year ago, I found out about a hypnotherapist in San Francisco named Angie Choi. Travel Boyfriend and I were just starting to plan our dream trip to Egypt and due to a nightmare I’d had in college, I was convinced something bad was going to happen to me there. In fact, I actually believed I was going to die in Egypt. That thought, coupled with the fact that my panic disorder had also manifested itself into a fear of flying quite inconvenient for a Travel Betty, convinced me to give hypnotherapy a try. Surprisingly after only a couple of sessions with Angie, I was able to take my first flight without Xanax. I couldn’t believe that the fear was gone. It wasn’t just sort of gone, it was completely gone.

Encouraged by that short domestic flight, I started to look as forward to my trip to Egypt as I’d always imagined I would. Angie made me a CD that was specific to my fears about the trip and so armed with that and my comfort bag, I was ready to hit the airport with confidence. The flight over went great and I thought I was cured. But at that point, I’d had yet to fly on Egypt Air.

My first flight on Egypt’s national airline had me gripping the armrests from the moment I stepped onto the decrepit plane. As we were taxiing down the runway for takeoff, the overhead compartments were shaking so violently, I thought they were going to crash down on our heads. I was a wreck and disheartened that I wasn’t totally cured. I was also afraid that this flight scare had dislodged all hypnotic suggestion and that I was destined to a life fearful of flying once again.

Luckily, that turned out not to be the case. Now, I’m about 80/20 with flights, and I rarely have to resort to Xanax anymore. Certain things trigger my fears. Anything that makes my body feel not quite right, like a cold or some unexplained soreness. Also drinking caffeine and especially if I drink alcohol the night before. If I’m even slightly hung over, chances are I’m going to feel afraid on the plane. It’s a bummer that I’m not totally cured, but it’s also so much better than it was before. I can’t imagine having gone to Bali by myself without Angie’s help.

Panic attacks are definitely scary, but being able to recognize them for what they are is a huge leap towards being able to manage them. If any other Betties out there have had positive experiences curing or managing their panic attacks, please feel free to share them in the comments section. That way we can all help each other to be more fearless on the road.

Travel Betty Basics

Unfortunately, the fabulous Angie Choi recently closed her practice, but she recommends Marilyn Gordon for other Travel Betties in need of hypnotherapy in the Bay Area.

2. The check-in area has fresh flowers and white Mac-like self check-in kiosks. There’s a red carpet leading up to the first-class counter. You feel more like you’re in a retail environment than standing in a human corral.

3. The gate agents seem younger, hipper, friendlier and more eager to provide good customer service. They even smile!! Some of this may be perception, drafting off other Virgin brands and Richard Branson’s personality, but it is also illustrated through their advertising and even the uniforms worn by the gate agents themselves. Black t-shirts are not uncommon.

4. First-class is not astronomically out of reach. Yes, it’s more, but only by a hundred bucks or so each way. And if your flight still has open seats in first, they release them for only $50 more at the gate. So there’s always the possibility you’ll be movin’ on up like the Jefferson’s.

5. You don’t walk onto a plane, you walk into a club. Mood lighting makes all the difference. The crew is wearing uniforms, but they are far from stogy. The sleeves on the stewardess blouses had delicate ribbon details that made it look like it might be for sale at Macy’s.

6. The planes are brand new. You feel safer and they seem fresher and cleaner than the ratty-tatty planes of the Delta / United type airlines. No Cheerios crumbs all over the damn place.

7. I don’t know if it’s the mood lighting, but even the passengers seem more hip. Less mom hair, more gel-spiked bangs and tattoos. Perhaps Virgin attracts a more fashion conscious customer than Southwest. I felt cooler by association.

8. The entertainment options are good. No one is forced to watch “Air Bud: Golden Receiver.” TV, movies, games, there’s even a chat option if you want to pick up a fellow passenger.

9. The safety video is a great example of Virgin’s attention to detail. Yeah, they could have just got a couple of community-theater actors to mimic seat buckling skills in a rented studio space, but instead they made the video something you would actually watch. The video makes you like the brand. They treat safety in a way that acknowledges our collective intelligence without coming off as flip. Delicate balance handled astutely.

I learned this the hard way flying from San Francisco to Bali. All my seats were on the right side of the plane and the first two (the longest) were aisle. In order to courteously give my seatmate a little bit of armrest time, I spent a great portion of the trip twisted to the left. Luckily, with my 30 days of spa treatments ahead of me, I knew I could undo the damage. But you can be sure that on the return flight this coming Sunday, I’m going to take my own advice.

On the way over to Bali, my meal was fine, but not notable in any way. And it definitely wasn’t better than some of the really tasty meals I had a few years back on Thai Airways. When all was said and done, I found the food on Singapore Airlines to be the same starch-heavy meals most airlines serve.

To try as best you can to remedy the situation, I’d suggest ordering a special meal even if you don’t have special dietary or religious needs. Because I booked my ticket directly through Singapore Airlines, I was able to request my meal from their website for my return trip. Travel Boyfriend, who booked his frequent flier ticket through Delta (a Singapore Airlines partner), had to call.

Although an atheist, he ordered a Muslim meal on the way out to Bali and was really pleased. He said he was served a variety of curries and even some roti prata-type bread (delicious!). Although agnostic, I’m looking forward to my non-vegetarian Hindu meal, which the Singapore Airlines site claims will be Indian in nature with homemade naan and daal!

The main benefit of ordering a special meal though is really that you’ll get your food served first. Sure, you may have to wait longer than most after you’ve finished with a messy tray in your lap, but for one shining moment you’re apt to feel that you’re one of the most special people on the plane. Someone important enough to be served before all others. And isn’t that really reason enough to convert?

After a 15 hour flight, my legs are sore and I’m sporting a serious pair of cankles. In the past, this water retention prank has alarmed me to the point of panic attack. Case in point, my 1st 24 hours in Cambodia. It’s the middle of the night and I’m naked, curled into fetal position on the cool, tiled bathroom floor of some fancy hotel. Travel Boyfriend is there feeding me Xanax, which I chew without water in hope that it’ll enter my system quicker.

But now I know better. I know it’s not deep vein thrombisis. It’s dehydration. And the effects of being cramped like airborne veal for an extended period. I know it’ll go away soon, especially with the added benefit of this Hong Kong airport man’s reflexology skills.

After a half hour of soaking, poking, prodding, and kneading, he even thoughtfully attends to a bruise on my ankle by rubbing it with Tiger Balm. Two days later it’ll be completely healed, the arduous flights long forgotten.

The only issue is I signed up for this experience having no idea what the conversion rate is between Hong Kong dollars and U.S. dollars. I’m hoping it’s not an even exchange, otherwise, I’m about to give this guy a $40 tip.

Travel Betty Basics

Oriental Healing Arts
Hong Kong Airport
Between Gates 40 & 41
½ hour reflexology treatment: US $35 + tip

Here’s a recent lesson I lived and learned so you don’t have to make the same mistake.

My grand plan back when I first conceived of the Bali trip was to buy a coach ticket on Singapore Airlines (a Delta partner) and then use my Skymiles to upgrade to business class. A looooong-ass flight. Alone. Recovering aviatophobe. Sounded like a good plan.

But when I called to book, the SA agent told me that I’d have to buy a full-fare coach ticket in order to use miles and that would cost over $4,000. Um, no thanks. I decided to stick to steerage.

Now I’m not sure why I went through Singapore Airlines directly to book instead of contacting Delta. I guess I thought it would be better to cut out any middlemen.

By the way, that is what’s called foreshadowing.

Cut to a few weeks ago when I mentioned to you about getting married in Bali. Now cut to two days ago when I finally realized that somehow I’d have to transport a fluffy wedding dress, my laptop, a digital SLR camera, 3 lenses, reading material, my comfort bag, a change of undies and myself all as carry-on. Well, I guess my own body doesn’t count, but the point is, it’s a lot of shite.

Only slightly concerned, I naively assumed international travelers get allowance for two carry-ons. Especially on an airline touted as the world’s best airline. But a nagging little mite whispered in my ear that I should at least check SA’s website to make sure.

Thank you, mite.

Singapore Airline’s policy is one carry-on and one small barely imperceptible personal item. A garment bag full of taffeta counts as a real live, life-sized carry-on. And so does a roller bag full of technology and books.

Dilemma.

I decided that since the flight was only a few days away, maybe chances were good that I could now get a business class upgrade.

I figured first I’d try the batting-of-the-solo-flying-bride’s-eyelashes approach to getting upgraded for free. Then, if that didn’t work, I’d offer up my miles. If they have seats available at this late date, why wouldn’t they jump at the chance to strip them from me? Even if I hadn’t paid full fare.

So I call Singapore Airlines and get a male phone rep (chances for wedding dress sympathy greatly diminished). I explain the two carry-on bag necessity and hope for the best. He, very kindly, thinks about it for a while and then informs me that I’ll need to check the dress.

$#%^! Plan B.

I ask if I can upgrade with miles and he transfers me to their mileage program department. I explain the scenario again. She hears me out and says that I’d need to talk to Delta since that’s whose miles I have.

“Even though I bought the ticket through you,” I ask?

“Yes, even so,” she assures me.

Then I call Delta. I get an extremely kind agent who listens to my story, but doesn’t know the details of the Singapore/Delta relationship. Then she transfers me to someone who does. I explain my story for the fourth time, resigned that there’s no free upgrade in sight. Pretty sure there’s not even a mileage upgrade in sight.

The very sweet woman on the other line let’s me know that there’s no way to access my reservation and that because I bought my ticket through Singapore Airlines from the get-go, there’d be no way to use my Delta miles. And since I’m not a member of the SA mileage program, I’m basically SOL.

To be honest, I’m actually kind of shocked by my own lack of thinking things through from the get-go. I don’t begrudge either airline for not offering an upgrade (or even a solution past “check the dress”). Instead, I have now rejiggered my entire bag strategy. Travel Boyfriend was able to loan me a bag smaller than a roller, but bigger than anything I have to carry my necessities. And I have tried to lovingly shove my dress into a garment bag whose proportions I still worry will cause distress at the boarding gate. So now, I must rely on faith.

The moral: If you even care to entertain the thought of an upgrade, don’t rely on partner relationships. Always have miles for the airline you’re flying (or buying) through. Otherwise, I’ll be seeing you in coach!

Seriously, one day I finally stopped for a moment and thought to myself, “Hey, what the heck does Bob Marley have to do with Alaska anyway?” And then it hit me…I should never ever procreate.

When we arrived at the airport, it was a complete zoo. We were flying United, which neither of us has done in a while and I don’t know if it’s their usual M.O. to cram the terminal with live bodies all scrambling to get to Peoria by noon or what. Either way, the line to check in was wound all around, up and down and backwards three times before people were even reaching the official queue. We decided to step back out to the curbside check-in and pay the $2 per bag. As annoying as it is to have to pay up for a service they provide for free 10 feet away, an hour of my life is worth more than $2.

It turned out to be a serendipitous decision. While we were in line, the guy in front of us made a comment to the check-in guy about it being so crowded. The check-in guy then proceeded to let us all in on a salacious secret. He said that in the United terminal, there is a security checkpoint to the far left and that it is usually much less crowded than the one in the middle (the one most people just automatically gravitate to). Imagine my surprise and utter confusion when we followed his advice and walked up to find not even ONE person in line! I thought it was closed, but the guards were all standing there looking eager to please. And when we engaged them, they were courteous and jovial. MUCH different than the usual attitudes from TSA. From bag drop off to security clearance, we were through in about 10 minutes. While all the other little lambies shuffled an inch per hour in their long check-in and security lines. Ooh, I felt devilish!

So that’s the tip. Far left security gate in United’s terminal at SFO. And if you’re at any other airport in the nation or world and the security line is longer than you could ever dream possible, remember to ask around if there’s a less crowded security gate. Chances are you’ll save yourself an hour or two of misery. And feel quite clever in the process. Then you can relax and enjoy your flight!

Siderant

Who the hell wants to eat chicken tenders from Burger King shaped to look like crowns, for Christ’s sake? First of all, they don’t look like crowns. They look like the little petrified alligator claw backscratchers I bought down in the Everglades as a joke after an airboat ride with Travel Boyfriend two Christmases ago. Only the tenders don’t come on a stick.

And second, don’t shape my food to resemble non-edible items. It just reminds me how freakin’ processed your food is. Of course, that didn’t stop me from buying three cheeseburgers to nourish myself and Travel Boyfriend while airborne from San Francisco to Denver to New Orleans. But then again, those were shaped like circles. And circles can be found in nature.